Am I a Narcissist?

A Common Fear Among Survivors

You’ve been through something painful. Confusing. Invisible to others — but all-consuming to you.
And now, in the aftermath of narcissistic abuse, you find yourself asking a terrifying question:
“What if I was the problem?”
“What if I’m the narcissist?”

If you’ve ever found yourself spiraling in this doubt, I want you to know — you’re not alone. Many of my clients reached out to me asking this question themselves. And more importantly: this question in itself says something powerful about who you are.

But Here's the Truth

The very fact that you’re even asking yourself whether you might be the narcissist...
is one of the clearest signs that you’re not.

Why? Because narcissists rarely, if ever, ask themselves this question.
They don’t typically reflect on their own behavior, and they certainly don’t feel distress at the thought of hurting someone else. Self-inquiry, guilt, and the willingness to take responsibility are not traits narcissists are known for — but they are traits of empathy. Of self-awareness. Of you.

The Fear That Follows Abuse

Narcissistic abuse distorts reality. It is trauma. It leaves you wounded.
It leaves you questioning your reactions, your memory, your character. You may have been told repeatedly that you’re too sensitive, you overreact, you’re the abuser, or you always start the fights. Over time, this conditioning sinks in. And when you finally begin to break away from the cycle, those doubts don’t just disappear.

You’re Not the One Who Lacked Empathy

If you spent time googling, soul-searching, doubting yourself, crying over how your behavior might have affected others — then no, you’re not a narcissist.
You were likely someone with a high level of emotional insight, trying to survive in a relationship where that very insight was used against you.

Gaslighting Makes You Question Everything

Many survivors come out of narcissistic relationships feeling completely destabilised.
You may no longer trust your memory or instincts.
But that doesn’t mean you’ve lost touch with reality — it means someone worked very hard to disconnect you from it.

This confusion is not your fault. It’s a symptom of emotional manipulation — and healing starts with naming it.

Your Self-Doubt is Proof of Your Integrity

People who are truly harmful to others don’t usually stop to ask, “Did I go too far?”
But you did. You’re here, reading this, still worrying about the impact of your behavior — even after being emotionally harmed yourself. That’s empathy. That’s integrity. That’s you showing up for yourself in a way you might never have been shown before.

Be Gentle With Yourself

Healing from narcissistic abuse is messy and nonlinear. There will be days you feel angry. Days you feel broken. Days you wonder if maybe it was all your fault.

But the very act of questioning, feeling, and trying to make sense of it all — that’s not narcissism.
That’s healing.
That’s hope.

And most of all: that’s proof you’re not the problem.